this is where we look for things
2.16.01 - 12:04:02
no, like, what's going on?
i'm so out of it. so out of it. i'm supposed to sell 5 more car wash tickets. we'll see how that goes. probably i'll just see how many jon and brad's room wants and hope they're nice enough to take 5. sometimes they're nice like that.
everything is so mixed up and now it's sorta gray and thunderstormy, too. i've been thinking too much or not enough or something and i haven't really reached any conclusions.
i think this is very bad. doing this at the lrc. i'm supposed to be studying otras lenguas. but i'm finished. and there's a lot going on. and see, i'm not even making sense, but that's ok.
i need to go by eckerd's and get some medicine.
it's friday. woo-hoo. friday is just as sucky as any other day, you know. who cares about the weekend? not like i have any less to do than i have during the week. siento como mi vida es una perdida de tiempo. like, seriously.
sometimes the very tip of my nose feels like it's numb. just for a second. and then i get this little shiver and it goes away. my lips sometimes, too. maybe i really do have a brain tumor. heh. yeah.
it's noon. i guess the one thing i can do is go by the hot bagel shop before hawc and get a good bagel. do you know how empty you feel walking through life enjoying absolutely nothing you do? because you're just passing time? is this how everyone's life is? it can't be. people can't live like this. i don't know how i live like this. but i guess it makes sense. it's so hard for me to believe that there's anything after death and really, if that's the case, all we're doing is taking up space here, anyway, and that's exactly what it feels like. to me, at least.
in 12 monkeys they have these great scenes with all these zoo animal types roaming through the city. it's very disorienting to see a tiger or a lion walk across the steps of city hall. surreal, even. or giraffes parading across an overpass.
remember that time melissa and i hit a deer on an i-10 overpass entering HOUSTON? who would think there would be a deer there? you weren't there. so you don't really remember. but i do. in oklahoma and otras partes del EEUU, they have like, deer insurance for their cars. isn't that the craziest thing?
i read this book once where this girl wanted to start all over, new name, new life, new everything. so she decided to drive her POS car until it ran out of gas and she'd take the name of the city that she ended up in as her own. it's funny to hear how she forces her car to coast along on fumes because some of the cities have such ugly stupid names. finally the car rolls into taylor and she's relieved because that's a cool name, and there she is. taylor in taylor.
we watched this danish movie, the idiots, which was all messed up, and i don't really recommend watching it, but like, this chick at the restaurant just up and leaves with these people she meets there and then they hang out for two weeks and she never says anything to anyone. and i'm thinking, who are you that you can do that? just take off and leave your life behind like that, with absolutely nothing with you, not even a change of clothes. sometimes i want to get in the car and drive. or get on a greyhound and say, allocate so much money and end up wherever that takes me. except the bus scares me. but i guess if i ever really felt like i needed to escape that badly, it probably wouldn't be that scary. the road is so calming sometimes. if it weren't for the price of gas i think i'd get up with the sun every morning (well, i've been doing that anyway) and just drive...drive an hour or two hours or three hours and turn around and come back and live my day. but i'd have all this secret time, you know, just me and the road. what is it about driving that makes us feel free? especially on overpasses and underpasses that curve and make you feel like your stomach's in your mouth all of a sudden. i love it.
yesterday at work i caught myself staring blankly at the monitor, and all of a sudden, i saw this flurry of wings, about eight or ten birds all taking off at once, through the window next to me, reflected on my screen. i don't know exactly how to describe the feeling, but i felt like i had fallen out of space. into my monitor or out of the window, i guess there's not really a big difference. and then i was sitting in my chair and there were clouds and i was thinking about how it was supposed to rain and how i didn't have an umbrella.
it's not so hard to pretend that everything is ok and that everything will work out and that life will have a happy ending as long as you don't have too many other people intruding on your fabricated reality, compromising its integrity. mental divergence, right? it is so easy to create a world in which things are right. it's just difficult to keep the real one from calling you back. responsibilities, obligations, should, could, would, it's why, it's why i just want to cut everything loose and live in my head sometimes. because if i were in charge, it wouldn't be like this. it just wouldn't.
