11.09.03 - 6:25

tired. not tired. can't sleep too well. keep waking up every few minutes, marking sleep in intervals, five minutes, twenty, an hour, ten minutes, two minutes, awake. not sure about anything. confused. alone and not lonely or lonely and not alone, different and the same, sometimes one is true and sometimes the other and sometimes neither fits to really say what i feel.

i pick two letters and put them in windows media player and this is how i get my random playlists, songs i haven't heard in daysweeksmonths, little shivers when i hear something that dredges up memories i'd forgotten, images buried in my mind.

sometimes all i have to do is breathe hard and the tears come, just from the pain of recognizing how solid this life is, how real. i'm so unsure about everything, so tired of unknowing, ugh, and the worst, too tired to figure things out. i want to sit and let the music wash over me, let the voices tell me who i am.

thought about making a list of all the shows i've ever been to but i don't have any clue how i'd be able to do that. thought about starting from the now but the incompleteness is so glaring and i just can't start. i am listening to pete yorn singing 'for nancy.' i haven't heard this song in forever, haven't heard his voice in months. i saw him once, forgot all about it, an unimpressive show at bottom of the hill, one of the very few i've left early because it was so difficult to stay. we liked this one though, i remember that.

why? is that what i want to know? is it all i want to know? i don't know. i can't answer any more questions.

i just know something's broken in me and i don't know how to fix it. nowadays, i don't even know if it can be fixed.

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