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9.1.00 - 11:53:11

i can see myself, sitting on the windowsill, an almost-chilly draft sliding up the back of my shirt. i can see myself, see recognition all around me, everywhere except in my eyes or maybe in that one moment only in my eyes and i'm sitting there, wondering what the hell i'm supposed to do, what i'm expected to do, what i WILL do.

listen. i don't belong anywhere. i don't belong in the midst of all these faces, these voices i know, the ones that talk to me without hearing the way they sound.

i don't know these voices.

after you take this picture, you will watch me develop, alone and not alone, but more alone than anything else. you will see my chin tilted, my shoulders turned, my ear directed toward some strain of conversation. you will see my eyes see nothing. i am not really here.

it doesn't matter if i stay or go; there is more than enough air in this room for all of us to breathe. twice. deeply. and i look out the window, watch the ambulance racing down the street, yowling like a wounded cat. or a banshee. i see myself looking out the window, and it is a scene in a bad movie. maybe there was eurotrash involved somewhere. maybe the credits will include 'girl at window, watching the ambulance, yowling like a cat.'

sometimes it is me and sometimes the ambulance.

but we are all wounded.

and when i go, everyone will swivel to see, then turn back to their own lives. this is how it is, how it was, how it will always be. and somewhere along the way, you made yourself belong to everything, or you made everything belong to you, and now you are here even when you are not. i belong nowhere, and you belong everywhere, and somehow, we belong together, and only here, or not here, or maybe everywhere.

it's hard to say.

you are a character in my story, but i am only an idea in yours, words that refuse to take shape. i hear her in the song, even when i try to make it mine. i hear her in my voice. the louder i sing, the louder she sings inside of me. sometimes i wonder where i left her, and sometimes i wonder why i can't just leave her, and sometimes i wonder if she was ever even really here.

i ironed my sheets today. i'm not sure exactly what that accomplishes, but i suppose i will go to bed and find out. don't worry. i'll report back.

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