this is where we look for things
9.8.2000 - 2:01:26
it has been brought to my attention that i perpetuate a vicious cycle that keeps me trapped in my depressed state. i don't believe things are going to get better; therefore, they don't.
ok.
while i agree that there may be some merit in this hypothesis, i would hesitate to agree completely. or maybe i would just argue that there isn't a different way for me to think and feel right now.
imagine the normal human state. things get rough. what do you say? 'oh, things will get better.' you wait a week or a month or six. things get better. lather, rinse, repeat.
now imagine a different scenario. you wait. things get worse. you say, well, now things HAVE to get better. you wait. they get worse. and worse. and worse. eventually, the 'someday' when things will get better just becomes too elusive, too far away. it becomes very easy--almost impossible, really--to believe that that 'someday' really exists, that things will EVER get better. and that's where i am right now. well, maybe not completely. i suppose there is a little part of me that believes things will get better, a little part that refuses to die. but we'll see about that.
i don't really know what to think. sometimes i think parts of the problem are so easy.
example:
'i would do anything to make you happy'
'seeing him makes me happy'
'i don't want you to go see him'
yeah, like, that seems like it has a simple solution. but we are bound by ties, financial and emotional both, and things get complicated. we call it baggage, but maybe that's a misnomer. when i think of baggage, i think of something i carry with me, something i can let go of whenever i choose. i'm not carrying this baggage; it is chained to me. it weighs me down. i sleep with it at night.
i understand the plight. the desire to make me happy, the desire to make me a good person, the desire to make sure i am a 'success,' whatever that means. but i think that maybe we have reached a point where you have to accept that i am not all you had hoped for, and i am not going to magically turn into that girl now. love me for who i am, appreciate what i HAVE done, and let the rest die. pray that i make the right choices, but let me make my own choices. i will learn from my mistakes, but you must let me make them. trust that i have learned something over these twenty years that will keep me from screwing my life up too royally. trust me. i have.
