this is where we look for things
9.15.00 - 3:06:12
today i flipped out because i couldn't locate postmodern fables in the library. i don't know if you've read it. it's a collection of essays by the french intellectual jean-francois lyotard. it's good stuff. ok, but i digress. so i'm looking for it because i read this one essay in it during the summer which i really loved, and i wanted to get a copy of it for like, posterity or some shit. so i look it up on the catalog. it gives me a call number. says it's on the shelf. cool. so i go to the shelf. oh, but it's NOT there. so i'm like, shit. so i go back to like, two OTHER computers and look it up.
yeah, it gives me the same call number. it's still not there. (obviously). so then i go down to the first floor. i'm soooooo upset that i'm having issues with my cognitive and ambulatory processes. i sit down at a computer.
ah! the internet, i think to myself. you can find ANYTHING on the internet. i spend an hour looking for an e-text of lyotard's postmodern fables. no dice.
i'm seriously flipping out at this point. pick up a copy of why althusser killed his wife: essays on discourse and violence, check out, and leave. so upset i skip the shuttle and walk to my car at the stadium. it's 7:30 by now because my class went until 5:30. oh, by the way, we watched the movie blow-out, with john travolta, dennis franz, and john lithgow. directed by brian depalma. WEIRD stuff. ok, maybe not THAT weird. but in conjunction with antonioni's blow-up, which we watched last week, yeah, weird. oh, that movie was crazy shit if you want something crazy. anyway. so i get in my car, and like, i'm trying not to cry and sorta having a mini quasi-panic attack, all while i'm yelling at myself for being such a baby and getting all upset about this. no, like, i almost sent out emails to the listserve to see if anyone owned this book. no, like, no one OWNS this book. then i almost bought it. then i forced myself to get it together and realize that oh, i do have eighteen other texts to read and it's not necessary and tomorrow IS another day. no, i'm so messed up. sometimes i don't know what to do. i called ariela and left a long-ass message on her machine about my "episode." i think one of the reasons i got so upset is because earlier today i was really feeling like my mood was sorta smoothing itself out and i was feeling more control over my emotions. oh, but was i wrong. see, that's the crazy thing about life. and i think that's why i get so upset about little things.
it's about control. and the way i don't have it, the way i can't exercise it on any aspect of my life right now. it makes me want to run away, preferably to brazil, seeing as i don't understand portugese, or the south of france, because i don't know french. i want to be invisible for a little while. they say that no man is an island, but that language barrier creates a pretty deep moat.
this is the latest i've stayed up all semester.
and i have espanol in the morning.
and at some point i should figure out where i can get some slides of diego rivera murals. i have a presentacion on monday. how exciting.
to close, my convo with the pizza hut guy.
him: "pzhfauhtMEDICALCENTER"
(like, that's what i heard)
me: oh...sorry, wrong number.
him: pizza hut?
ok, so at this point, i'm thinking i transposed a couple of numbers and it's that mistake everyone makes so he knows what happened. so, i say
me: yeah.
him: yeah.
so now i'm like, um, what?
me: so, uh, do you have the NUMBER for pizza hut?
him: this is pizza hut. pizza hut MEDICAL CENTER.
me: ohhhhhhhh...well. i....would like to order a pizza.
no, like, he laughed at me for like, 30 seconds.
him: lyn?
(that's my roommate)
me: yes.
him: 4404?
me: no. we moved.
him: oh, ok. same apt?
me: um, no, we moved.
him: oh.
( tell him the new address)
him: ok. i'm guessing you have the same name?
me: um, yes.
like, what kind of question is that? no, i'm running two blocks away from my old life and starting a new life? yeah....
him: ok, that'll be forty minutes.
sigh.
ok, i admit. it was funny.
