this is where we look for things
9.25.00 - 06:03:47
i hate myself. last year, i found some voice that i could use to write poetry. somewhere along the way, i lost it. i wish that i could just go to bed and wake up and things would be the way i want them to be. i wish i could go back in time and change the way things happened. i wish that i could wake up in a different time or a different world or a different person. a different person. i am tired of the weight of this body, the ache in my brain. the problem is that every time i think 'ok, it can't POSSIBLY get any worse,' it invariably does. i am a disappointment to everyone around me. i can't completely be the person anyone wants me to be. i can't make myself happy without making people i love miserable. i can't make others happy without making myself miserable. i just can't do it anymore. i used to wonder if it wasn't really the magnitude of my problems, but the fragility of my spirit. and i think that's what it is. i'm just not cut out for this world. and maybe i should stop trying to pretend like i am. i think i went my entire freshman year without crying once. weird. my eyes are crossing and i can't see straight. tomorrow they'll be so puffy i won't be able to open them. i must have done something really terrible in a past life. or something. or maybe something really really great is in store for the future. let's hope.
