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10.11.00 - 1:48:20

we're going to try to update this daily. we'll see how it goes from here.

it's happening again. that slide downward. i don't really know why. but i feel it. i think i might just stay in town this weekend. i found out tonight that it's not so much a big deal to skip one training session, and i would totally love to be in that march, but i don't know. that ugly malaise has taken over my body again.

like ani says, 'first you decide what you gotta do, and then you go out and do it; maybe the most that we can do is to see each other through it.' maybe. i wish it was that straightforward. wish i could decide what i have to do. sometimes ani's songs surprise me because the thoughts seem so obvious sometimes. and i'm like, surely someone else had already said that. but apparently not. i think very few of us see clearly at all.

so our fishes. they're stupid. they don't swim up to the surface at feeding time. no, they swim around in their little happy world until they bump into a piece of food drifting towards the bottom. they eat it. it's like, ooh! food from the heavens! then they swim some more. encounter another piece of food. yay!! the heavens are bountiful! so they do this for a while. and then the food stops. do they ever think, hmmm, maybe i'll swim up and see where this is coming from? no. of course not. what if we were like this? we'd just walk around all hungry until we saw a donut falling from the sky. and then we'd eat it. and walk around just hoping we ran into another donut sometime soon. i'm glad i don't have to depend on the heavens for my food supply. stupid fishes. they're still good for conversation, though. they don't talk back. it's nice. and they always have time to listen.

between yesterday and today, i've gone to a grand total of one class. of course two of them were legitimately cancelled, so i don't feel too bad. it sounds worse than it is. but it's been nice. i don't know. classes should require less attendance, i think. professors should just like, email their lectures. it would totally be more efficient. and then we could meet once a week and have a discussion. sounds like a plan to me.

fleetwood mac. there's an interesting group. i want to be interesting. someone told me the other day that i was the most interesting person he knew. i think what he meant to say was craziest, but then that sounded negative, so he substituted most interesting. kinda how boys tend to confuse how bitchy and selfish i am with beautiful and fascinating. yeah. but we're all confused in the end. and we create our own realities, which become, well, realities. and what is reality? just a fabrication that we choose to believe in. or maybe we don't choose. i don't know.

i don't know.

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