10.12.00 - 1:23:20

and my mind's racing, going faster and faster, refusing to settle. i am trying to project some semblance of normalcy, some sort of coherence, but it's a ruse, i'm not really there. who are you speaking to, just a collection of cells and neurons, blood and skin and chemicals all out of whack and i wonder if it is really something that you can ever be aware of or if it is only for me to know.

sometimes i wonder why you're here when you can choose to be anywhere else, away from this, away from me. what draws you here, what keeps you here, is it simply that you cannot leave? is it really a choice at all? i wonder. you probably can't do much for me anyway. it's tied up somewhere you can't get to, won't ever be able to get to.

sometimes that's just how things are.

i lose perspective sometimes, things stretch and contract and bleed together and i can't tell where my thoughts end and my fingers start. the more you try to be different, the more you're someone else's version of the same. the more you try to be you, the more you're trying to be not someone else. the more you try to be not someone else, the more you're not being you anymore. and then you look back years later and you're trying to figure out why you're standing so far away from your body, tiny in the distance. that's why. we drift.

we could go in circles all night, but i won't, i'll tell you what, i'll stop. right. here.

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