10.14.00 - 2:03:15

it's weird how sometimes you just have so much to say that you can't say anything at all. like, my mind is too full for me to isolate thoughts. or something. breathe. i'll try to settle them a bit.

ok.

went to the shrink today. gave her a progress report. told her how i'd been feeling, what i'd been up to. she asked if i'd consider a medication change. i said yes. after all, there hasn't been any mad crazy improvement in my mood. she gave me some prozac. prozac. i had an oh-my-god-i-really-need-medication? response to the first time around. the dude...prozac response is quite similar to that. made me think about elizabeth wurtzel immediately, of course. then it made me think about what a cliche i'm becoming. but i guess everyone's a cliche in one way or another. or maybe that's just something i tell myself to make myself feel better.

i wouldn't mind getting on a midnight train to georgia. i don't know anyone in georgia, really, but i bet i could make friends.

my mom asked if i needed to take a break from school today. i think that would make me an even bigger cliche. not to mention the fact that school adds the only structure that i have in my life day-to-day. which is a good thing. and yeah, lots of reading, but reading i like to do. so no break from school. you know, t.s. eliot wrote 'the waste land' while he was in a mental hospital. and coleridge wrote kubla khan after an opium dream and then there's plath and sexton and hemingway and on and on and on. my poetry prof from last year told me that creative people were often the most tortured souls. i was like, um, thanks....i guess? what can you really say...

'my nerves are bad tonight.'

so doody (my american fiction prof) knows my name. asked some question that required raised hands. pointed at me. called out my name. it totally weirded me out. words flew out of my head for a second. because, see, i was just thinking the other day about the way people float in and out of other people's lives. especially if you're a professor. and how weird that must be to have the kind of personal interaction you have by reading someone's writing, by judging it in some superficial way. but to never really know the person who wrote it. and his 85 person class was totally my model. and then he knew my name. i mean, yeah, it's not the same as knowing anything about me at all, but it still caught me off guard.

coldplay. 'parachutes'. nice album if you like mellow.

so i've tried to set up an amazon.com wishlist many, many times. but i find that every time i think of something to put on the list, i decide i need it RIGHT THEN and i go ahead and buy it. so i've never even started one. maybe i should develop some sort of self-restraint and try it. but like anyone's really gonna go and send me anything. and then i'd just sit around longing for this stuff and getting sad about how my legion of fans were being totally unresponsive (or just thrifty). ha ha. legion of fans. i find that amusing. compulsion. dr said the prozac would help with that.

i would love to regain control of my life/emotions/self.

i guess i should go to bed sometime soon if i'm going to get up at 9 for my all-day training. 9-5 on a saturday. it's almost criminal. but like, the houston area women's center is one of the most uplifting places around because it's like, plastered with signs and posters that are supposed to like, boost your self-esteem and help you develop a sense of self-worth. it's totally comforting. even if it's not really supposed to be for me.

so you know what i don't understand? people who get upset about me not being "a nice person." let me tell you, i have never, ever, ever claimed to be a nice person or a good person or anything along those lines. i'm a bitch. i'm self-centered (why else would i create this blog?). i worry about myself. i worry about others, but it seems that my motivation is not so much making everyone else's life better, but trying to make my life seem better in comparison. i don't pretend to be someone i'm not. so i don't understand why people get upset when i turn out to be exactly who i appear to be. maybe because people aren't really accustomed to finding honesty in people when it comes to character. it's disconcerting, and i understand that. but it's not my fault that i don't live up to the standards that someone artificially created for me. blahblahblahetc.

i've had these really strange urges lately to go and set things straight with people that i haven't gotten along with for quite a long while. i have no idea why. i've never been the type of person that gets upset when other people don't like them for whatever stupid reason. but during the past week, i've run into a couple of people that i just wanted to go up to and be like, . . .

see, that's why i've never actually gone through with it. because i have no idea what i'd say. or what i'm supposed to say. or really if i'm supposed to say anything at all, because i didn't actively do anything to make them dislike me; it was just strange circumstances and cookies crumbling and whatnot. so then i just walk around for a couple of days with this disturbing sensation which slowly fades and then i forget about it until i see these people again. which isn't often, but you know. often enough. life is so weird. angie asked me if i was trying to set things straight before i go. i don't think that's it. things aren't really that bad. that might be the limit of my optimisim right now, but hell, it's better than it's been. i guess. sometimes.

i hate morning radio. they never play anything i can sing along to on the way to campus. they just talk. yeah, i guess it makes sense, though. i mean, who turns on the radio to listen to music?

i think my freshman year happened to a different person.

i like msn messenger. but what's up with the microsoft butterfly thing (yes, i realize that it's not exactly a new logo, but i've never brought it up before)? i mean, it's like, a rainbow colored butterfly. is it supposed to make me feel warm fuzzies when i think of microsoft? because it's not really having that effect. it just makes me thing someone in advertising is sorta loopy.

commercials and billboards today make me want to go into advertising sometimes. i mean, clearly, it can't be difficult. old navy, for example. i quit going there after their commercials started getting so stupid. i'm relatively sure that's not what they were going for, but honestly. old navy, old navy, oldnavyperformancefleece!!

go team!!! yeah, um, no.

elliot smith's coming to town thursday. i think i'll go. elliott smith = good stuff. i'm pretty pumped about ben harper, too. angeles is one of my favorite elliott smith songs. maybe i should buy figure 8. either/or is just so good that i don't want to be disappointed by a lesser album. but what if it's even better? yeah, my mind doesn't typically work in that direction.

guess i managed to isolate quite a few thoughts. this got really long really quickly. i hope it's still nice out tomorrow. i'd like to go for a run. it's been such good weather for running. you don't get nearly as tired or sweaty or grumpy and your times are faster. like i've said before, it should always be 65 and sunny. always.

if you ever decide to purchase the jackie's strength single (the one with the dance mixes, not the one with beulah land/never seen blue), look at the back cover. look at tori's middle finger on her right hand. she's wearing a pear cut sapphire with diamonds surrounding it. just like mine. on the same finger of the same hand. i think it's a sign. i don't necessarily know what the sign is supposed to tell me, but clearly something good.

...somewhere in my youth or childhood, i must have done something good...julie andrews singing in the gazebo. pure camp.

remember the onion headline "man wearing fido dido shirt forgets that something must be remembered to be considered kitsch"?

dude. i remember fido dido.

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