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10.18.00 - 2:30:57

music snobs suck. i think i've brought this up before. melissa had her little tirade about them earlier this week. but seriously. why are you going to bring someone down when they're all happy singing along to britney? just think, 'damn, that shit sucks' in your own head. the world will be a shinier, happier place.

so they're replaying the entire season of sex and the city, two episodes every sunday night. sunday night is family night here at our apt. we take turns cooking and eating together and watching sex and the city. well, we don't take turns eating and watching sex and the city. just cooking. but yeah, a whole hour. i think that show should always be an hour long. though i have to ask, what ARE some of the outfits on that show? i mean, sarah jessica parker's cute, but no one's cute enough to pull off some of the stuff they make her wear. and i hope someone's making her wear that, because like, there is no other excuse.

today angie and i had to participate in this diversity exercise during training at HAWC. it involved this mediator woman reading questions that had three choices and then we all had to pick one and move to that corner of the room with the rest of the people that picked the same choice. example: 'what is the single most important determinant of success?' a) educational opportunities b) family/home life c) genetic makeup and there were these pieces of paper that said a,b,&c on the walls and we'd like, go run to our corner. and then she'd be like, why did you pick what you did? and then we'd all argue about it for ten minutes and move on to the next question. it was sorta frustrating. because like, people would be all like, how can you pick {whatever} when {whatever else} is clearly crucial? and you're like, dude, the whole point of this exercise is to PICK ONE. it doesn't mean i'm denying the importance or validity of the other choices. and then this one woman like, held out for an hour on that success one. and then she finally picks genetics. the only one who picks genetics in the whole group of like, twenty-five people there. and the mediator's like, why do you say genetics? and she's like, well, if i HAD to pick one, i'd say genetics in hopes that i didn't get cancer or something.

what?

see, that's how i felt pretty much all of the evening. i also started wondering how many people in the class think angie and i are a lesbian couple. there's this lesbian couple there that always drive there together, sit together, live together, have the same phone number, hang out together at break. and i was sitting there tonight thinking, dude, just like me and angie. plus it's like, 60 degrees in there (i am NOT kidding...next time i'm bringing a parka or a blanket or a space heater or something) so when i get really cold i'll like, cuddle with angie to steal her body heat. and we're just sorta goofy and giggly with each other because like, four hours is a long time and we have to make it pass somehow. so after i brought this up, angie suggested that we should actively work to project the image. but like, i'm seriously curious about how many people think we are just because we live together and drive there together and sit together. the group claims to be all open-minded about stuff, but you can hear biases and stereotypes creeping out of everyone's mouths. it's interesting. society is interesting. yes, admittedly, general society makes me, well, sociopathic at times, but when i take time to breathe, i usually find laughing is almost as appropriate as screaming. almost....

angie thinks the reason i have so much to say is because i retell events in real time. i totally feel like i've talked about this already, but maybe because i just wrote about it in some emails. lyn and jon and i were watching the skulls the other day and angie had to get on campus because she was on duty. so then she asked me what happened, and like, i'm telling her the hour or so that she missed, and as i was telling it, i could hear how long it was taking. and then i finished and i was just like, dude, that was really long. and she's like, um, yeah, it's because you probably took as long as the movie did. she thinks it's my unwillingness to sacrifice minutiae.

i think it may also have something to do with the fact that i cease to be when i cease to speak. but sometimes i find it hard to believe that i really exist in the first place.

when i was in middle school i had this friend named chad. well, i guess we were friends in high school and stuff, too, but this story pertains to our middle school friendship. so i was talking to him on the phone one day and we started talking about dreams. and people in dreams. and how weird it is that like, there are people that are your friends in dreams, but they don't look like anyone you know in real life. (i still think that's freaky.) and then we were like, duuuuude. what if we're just character's in some cosmic being's dream? and like, we die whenever he wakes up? and like, there are other universes or realms of being that are other beings' dreams? that was such a profound idea for being eleven years old. for a while i tried to quit having people die in my dreams because i felt like i was killing people for real in like, some tiny, transitory other universe.

'and then i think about my fear of motion, which i never could explain. some other fool across the ocean years ago must have crashed his little airplane...'

do you wonder why someone would write a song about galileo ? i do. i mean, dude, he was cool. i don't question the importance of his discoveries or his place in history or any of that. but let's say i could write songs. it would probably take me a long time to get around to writing one about say, louis pasteur. or michael faraday. seems like einstein would be a much more likely candidate for songhood. and then to write a GOOD song about galileo. the indigo girls are cool. but i can't get over midnight train to georgia.

'i offer thanks to those before me. that's all i've got to say. 'cause maybe you squandered big bucks in your lifetime, now i have to pay. but then again, it feels like some sort of inspiration to let the next life off the hook. she'll say, look what i had to overcome in my last life, i think i'll write a book...'

sounds pretty easy, in theory. but like, living your life and accepting your hardships and whatnot because why? you feel good about "letting the next life off the hook"? i'm sorry, but i would like to live my life for me. and that's what i plan on doing. reincarnation and karma and some sort of cosmic balance, it's all very interesting. but the theory is sort of that it's out of our hands, you know? at least i would like to see it that way. it doesn't make sense to me to try and take that into your own hands. i don't really enjoy the whole being saved by good works school of thought. not that i like the idea of the elect, either. i just think hey, if you're going to do good, do it because you want to. why does everything have to have some sort of concrete motive? why is everything working towards some goal? why are all the activities you do "resume-builders"? see, that's why i quit that stuff. do what you want to do. life is miserable enough even when you live it that way. i don't see a need to make it worse just because you're hoping it makes you look good in the end. no, no, no. quit making yourself a slave to the plan and be who you really are. let that take you where you're supposed to go. quit being so machiavellian.

why did jimmy page have to play with puff daddy on come with me? it's like saying, yes, i approve of your mutilation of our classic rock standard 'kashmir.' it's like sting coming out and singing every breath you take with him (that was puffy, too, wasn't it?) please. hold on to your dignity. honestly. i started this with my denouncing music snobbery. i figured i should end it with a little justified music snobbery so you can see that it has its time and place.

like right now.

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