10.24.00 - 11:42:40

sometimes i think i understand things so clearly and other times i think i will never understand anything, ever, not if i live for a million years (god forbid). i've been missing blake and melissa a whole lot this week in particular for some reason. i wonder what it is. maybe the rain. hemingway totally changed the rain for me, however long ago it was when i read my first hemingway.

i used to make little bets with myself when i was younger. totally irrational deals, sometimes promises, sometimes wishes i would will to come true. like, i would say, ok, if i quit biting my nails, then i'll get all a's this year. and then we graduate to things like, if i finish this book, i can go eat dinner. and then things like, if i work out every day for a month, i'll have a good month. if i work out every day and i don't skip any classes and i make good grades in everything and i take my medicine and i relax and quit worrying so much, one good thing will happen. just one. anything. something that will fill up the emptiness.

but then i realized that the emptiness is not something that can be filled. it is a pain that never goes away. it is the ache of being human and being conscious of it. we talk about consciousness so much these days and i wonder how these profs can stand up there making jokes and wasting time if they are really conscious of who and what they are. or maybe i'm wrong to assume that everyone has this emptiness inside them somewhere. i just can't imagine living without it, buried underneath something, layers and layers, maybe, but there. somewhere. hidden. maybe some things are best left undiscovered.

you make time for the people and things that you care about. it's just a fact. because the truth is, you will never have enough time. i don't care who you are or what you do. you will never have enough time. and look at yourself, really examine yourself. you have priorities. you rank things in order of their importance to you. and you make time for things in order of their priority to you. so the next time you try to make apologies for not doing something charitable or not making time for some long-lost friend, maybe when you're telling someone that you didn't have the time, you'll know that what you really mean is that it wasn't important enough for you to make time. we're all going to die with things left unfinished and i suppose it's up to us to decide what those things are. i think that's why i wish sometimes that decisions would just be made for me. so i don't have to look back at all the things i wish i would have done differently. it would be so much easier to look back and say, well, i had no choice. but then i suppose the real truth is that i don't want to sacrifice my choice. well, i don't know. i could probably do without a couple of them. i guess i'm lucky that i have this problem, and yes, i would rather have the problem of too many options than too few, except sometimes it's hard for me to really believe that. i don't know. it's heavy still.

i read an amazon review for some cd where a reviewer wrote "if you like anything, buy this cd." what sort of helpful review is that? if you don't discriminate and like everything, you'll like this because hey, you like everything? or this cd is so sublime that it would be impossible for anyone to not love it? see, either way, that's just a stupid comment.

i'm out of even quasi-positive things to say tonight.

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