10.30.00 - 10:52:06

i think i'm becoming more self-absorbed (you didn't think it was possible, did you?) and less sympathetic day by day. i find myself having very little patience with people who have problems that have what seem to be easy solutions. ummmmm....example. "i'm thirsty." get some water. do you remember the part from 'white men can't jump' where woody harrelson gets rosie perez the glass of water and she's like, i said i was thirsty, i didn't ask for a glass of water! i just wanted some sympathy! hilary and i were talking about this over the weekend. like, no. don't make it about sympathy. you have a problem you can not only identify, but solve. so do something about it, you know? i find myself striking stressor after stressor from my life, but things stay exactly as they are. this leads me to believe that the problem is just something within me and i just don't have the ability to lead a normal, happy life. besides, what is happy? what is normal, for god's sake? who determines these standards? who's going to assess me and put me into a category? this is the kind of stuff that makes me scream.

my head hurts. this, i find, is a relatively new thing. a 24-7 headache. yeah, it may not sound like a big deal, except it affects every single one of your waking and sleeping hours. for a while i eschewed the tylenol completely, thinking if i ignored it, it would go away. no, i was wrong. so i finally bought one of those huge bottles of tylenol. 100 gelcaps. i guess that might get me through a few weeks. no, it hurts so much. you know why headaches suck, though? you tell your doctor (AND your psychiatrist) and they tell you, 'well, that could be a number of things.' ohhhhhhhhh.....a NUMBER of things....i see. whatever. fixes nothing. but whatever. at least it's one of those things i can identify and attack. not like the smoke and mirrors of the other things.

tomorrow is halloween. i think there's some interval between your child years and your adult years where you don't dress up. but like, all of my friends that have graduated and have jobs or are in grad/med/law school, they're all dressing up. for what? i don't know. clubs. parties. their own amusement. i doubt this apt. will be dressing up. we're still in that limbo zone. no disfrazamos manana. you can put the tilde over that n.

the lights were still orange tonight. angie claims they were red, but i think she's wrong. or sane. what's the difference? sometimes i wonder if my thoughts will ever make sense to anyone but me. sometimes i wonder if my thoughts really make sense to me. sometimes i wonder if my thoughts are really my own. i don't know. there's just so much confusion inside my head. so much. i have these fantasies where i end up in the south of france in this airy little house right off the beach. and i have a harp in my living room. and the air is always just the right temperature and there's a studio that gets the northern light so i can paint when i feel like it. somewhere in this fantasy i learned how to paint. i really wish so much that i could paint. there's just something about the way you work with the paint, the way you involve your senses, your fingers, your emotions. and then the way you're left with the painting. evidence. it really happened. i can play for hours, but when i get off of the piano bench, the air vibrates with the memory of music for the tiniest second...and then it is just air again. i want to leave part of myself behind in my art. maybe that's why i want to write. mass produce my small contribution to art. mass production. it's our way in this day and age.

what am i doing here. why. why? i wish i were either a lot smarter or a lot stupider. what i've got here just doesn't seem to be satisfactory. it's difficult to subscribe to that whole ignorance is bliss school of thought when you already know what you know.

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