this is where we look for things
11.8.00 - 12:07:14
i can't believe they took florida back. you can't do that. like, there should be a law.
the crazy fish blinky died today. at first i was convinced that they cannibalized him because i couldn't find a body anywhere. angie thought they gave him a decent burial, and that was why we couldn't find him. in the end, we spotted him under one of the little projections on our big hunk of driftwood. it's funny because you can only see him from one angle because of the way the light refracts or whatever. it's not funny because, well, he's dead, you guys.
today involved a lot of reading. as will tomorrow and the rest of the week and the rest of the month. however, this paper i thought was due on thursday is actually due on tuesday, so that's nice. ugh. i have to get up for my harp lesson at 8 am tomorrow because she's going out of town and won't be around on friday.
i'm not thinking straight today. haven't been all day. i'm not quite sure why. chatted with melissa for a little while today. talked about therapy. and how i don't quite understand how it works because i feel like i just sit there talking and that's pretty much it. she pointed out it's the same with poetry. you sit there and write it and you feel better. i used to write poetry. actually, i wrote something yesterday. i think that it's terrible and a pathetic example of meaningless, useless verbiage. i don't know. i can't find any way of expression that really feels right anymore. there is just so much time that i spend feeling uncomfortable in my body. i just wish i could wake up and things would be fixed. i'm just so tired of it.
it's not even the pain so much today. it's numbness. i'm losing motivation. i'm finding it increasingly difficult to find the energy to get anything done. i quit working out for a week or two because i was losing a lot of weight, but now i'm thinking the gym might help with my energy level so i think i'll start going again. starting tomorrow. life isn't supposed to be like this. just going through the paces. hour after hour. doing things because you're supposed to do them. i don't enjoy things anymore. i don't do things because i want to do them. i don't understand. when it comes to school and other obligations, i feel like i'm just keeping up to prove something to myself or someone out there, i'm not really sure. because i'm a control freak. and i don't want these feelings to mess up my plan. or the part of the plan that i have in place, anyway. and failing out of school or taking a semester off or any of that sort of thing would mess up the plan. but how important is the plan anyway? i don't understand how i can attach this artificial sense of importance to these plans when i don't really think anything is going to really matter in the long run. i just create more self-perpetuating misery for myself. but that's just the way i am. i guess. my therapist told me it's a strength, the fact that i can recognize when i'm being irrational or illogical or obsessive or compulsive. i guess it is. i'm still sitting there in the library looking up postmodern fables for two hours, though.
i'm pretty excited about that eels album i have on the way. daisies of the galaxy, in case you were wondering. ok, so i just hopped over to audiogalaxy and downloaded about ten more eels songs. i highly recommend last stop: this town. not ready yet is also excellent. and as far as the whole copyright/profits issue is concerned, i have to say that downloading mp3's often leads to the purchase of a cd. for me, this is a pretty high percentage occurrence. the other thing is, these bands don't make their money off of cd's, they make their money off of their tours. so it's just the record label and the promoter or agent or whatever getting screwed out of a few extra bucks.
so i've noticed that i adopt certain bands or musicians that become my cause for the day or week or however long i feel like talking about them. u2's running to stand still. lovely song. dar williams' iowa. another good one. the jayhawks' blue. it makes me warmer to know that there's good music out there.
in late-breaking news, angie reports fin movement on the allegedly dead fish. whatever. even if he's alive right now by some miracle, he'll be dead by morning. i'm not getting my hopes up. and it's not that bad. fish don't have feelings, so it's far less tragic.
and to close, thom yorke and sparklehorse covering pink floyd's wish you were here. have i mentioned it before? i hope so. it's pure beauty. i read this passage in a novel once where it described a young woman, her neck "rising heartbreakingly from her collar." i'm sure i messed that up a little. but the rising heartbreakingly is the important part, anyway. i think of her neck rising heartbreakingly when i hear this song. sometimes i find i'm holding my breath halfway through the song. it's just delicate and fine and lovely and beautiful. beauty. we all could use a bit of that in our lives.
