11.21.00 - 12:48:03

hmmm. so it's the 21st apparently. and all day long i've been writing 11.20.00 on everything. oh well. oh well is right. my life is now characterized by a very curious lack of affect. it is puzzling for me to try and figure out how i feel so absolutely hopeless at times, while still feeling this unfounded optimism that everything will get done. it is not exactly living, it is having your life lived. an extraordinarily passive act that leaves you feeling very disembodied. because you're watching yourself, 24/7.

i really like diaryland. yay for no ads. there's this part in a separate peace, a pretty hokey book by john knowles, and i read it when i was about 10, and i've never been able to get this quote out of my head. 'nothing endures, not a tree, not love, not even a death by violence.' hmmm.

i think william faulkner is my new literary hero. or maybe my first literary hero. i can't remember every really having one. his prose is just so staggeringly beautiful. there are chunks of faulkner that will be with me until i die. for anyone who hasn't read absalom, absalom, i suggest you put that on your christmas reading list. what a fabulous book.

when i was younger, there were all these little identifying markers that made you an adult in my eyes. you had a consistent signature. you wrote checks. you paid bills. you had a credit card. you drove a car. you liked coffee. you read all of the newspaper. you took stuff to the dry cleaners. you took the trash out. you cooked. you bought groceries. you made lists and schedules. you made a budget. you had a job. telemarketers called you 'sir' or 'ma'am'. you were handed a wine list at restaurants. you started to prefer sorbet over ice cream. you made your own appointments. you enjoyed shakespeare.

the list goes on and on in a similar fashion. but see, i do all those things now. when little kids get in my way, their mothers say, 'tell the nice lady you're sorry'. the nice lady. so i'm about one baby-step from being a real grownup and it's a little surreal. you never really think that us will turn into them, ever, with any population. and then you turn around one day and it's happening and it's very unsettling.

i'm going to visit my brother in san francisco for the thanksgiving break. so there might be a little lapse in updates. don't let this be a cause for concern. we'll be back on sunday. and then about two or three weeks of solid studiousness. is that a word? studiousness? well, if it wasn't, it is now. and that's what i'll be all about post-thanksgiving.

scarlett's mantra was 'i'll think about it tomorrow.' my mantra is 'it'll get done.'

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