11.27.00 - 11:14:37

sometimes the words just don't come, but other times, they're there and they're perfect and they're true, but it's just too real for me to write them down. because things that are real and true can be scary. and because there are a million possible realities until you choose one.

the problem with my world is that there are all these alternate realities and no real authority to decide whose version is legitimate. so everyone around me can have a competing version of reality and who's ever going to know who's right? we're all right because our reality is what we believe. we create it. when i was in second grade, this kid got five points taken off of his paper for spelling his name wrong. ok, like, you can't spell your own name wrong. it's just different. i mean, i'm sure he did spell it wrong, but just for the sake of argument, he could have been experimenting. and if he spelled it differently, then that's what it was. why is different so often synonymous with wrong?

i think little girls do a lot of experimenting with the way they spell their names. especially if they have boring names like katie or jenny and decide they want to be katrinas and guineveres.

listening to pretty woman. which makes me think of the movie. it was on hbo a couple of months ago. it always makes me smile. go was on tonight. that's a good film. we're going to have to tape it next time it comes on.

she said but you always talk about the mall and i said i have mentioned the mall exactly twice in the whole time we have known each other once two weeks ago and once yesterday and she said it's not just the mall there are a million things that are represented by the mall and it's all the same thing and i don't want to hear about the mall and i didn't understand at first but then i did so i decided i would never talk about the mall again because it's not important and there is so much that is important

sometimes i'm a little slow.

i was watching this show the other day about this 'aspiring writer' who was temporarily working as an 'executive assistant'. yeah, ok, say secretary. i am never going to be a secretary. i'm just not. it's sorta like how i'll never work in food service. maybe i could wait tables if i had to. i could probably bartend if i ever learned how and actually got hired some place. it would be totally fun to be a bartender. but yeah, food service. the way i see it is like this -- it's not that i'm too good or spoiled for food service, i'm just not that nice of a person. so if i know already that i'm going to be easily pissed off my stupid questions and stupid people and i'm going to be rude and probably offend them, why would i enter the food service industry? i mean, especially if i have a choice. it's not that i'm above it, see. it's more like a personal favor to the world.

rachmaninoff prelude in c# minor. well, i think i like pretty much any rachmaninoff. especially the angry stuff.

angie and lyn put up christmas lights today. icicles even. they're very lovely. i was going to help, but then it was cold so i decided not to. i did, however, bake some lemon bars, which was fun and all. i got some work done, but not nearly enough. this week's going to be hellish. but i really need to intensify the early hellishness so the late hellishness is not as bad.

sometimes when it's dark and cold i feel lonely.

lonely is different from alone. alone = good. a lot of the time, for me at least.

melissa finally turned 20 today. let's all give her a round of applause. also, our fish survived three days with food, so let's maybe have a round for them, too. angie brought back this little plastic doll's rocking chair for the fish tank, but then it floated, which completely foiled her plan. she left it in there for a while because she was lazy and because "the plastic might absorb water and then it would sink." for all of you who have just decided that angie's a moron, she didn't really think that was going to happen. it was un chiste.

air - 'empty house' is also a great track. it makes me want to dream about fire or high, high ceilings or ballerinas in white tutus and facepaint.

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