12.4.00 - 1:34:27

i guess it's the holiday season or something. i placed an order with amazon.com a few days ago. one of the albums i ordered was available in 1-2 weeks. but see, you always choose ship when all are available, because they always send you your shipment in parts as they become available. complimentary upgrade, no additional shipping charges. i never understood why people would choose to ship separately as they become available. but yeah. my stuff hasn't been upgraded and shipped, though all the rest of it was available in 24 hours. i refuse to pay extra shipping, though. i can wait a week for this stuff. i'm looking forward to that coldplay cd a lot.

if i could channel dead people, i'd channel faulkner right now. i think winter break will involve a lot of faulkner reading. i haven't had an obsession for a while. well, besides this baking thing, but that's sorta different. besides, it will be a productive, edifying obsession, anyway. he wrote absalom, absalom longhand. on graph paper. in tiny cursive script. the published version is the manuscript. there was no revising. it just came to him. he was working as a screenwriter, and he'd write in the early morning from 4-8. then he'd go to his day job. it just came to him. absalom, absalom. this is the sort of thing that makes you understand what it is to be truly small. this and beethoven's deafness.

it's cold in here.

learning how to agree to disagree is one of the most important things you can learn in life. i think some people die before they learn how to do it properly. but see, the thing is, people have different standards for everything. one of the things that makes you an individual is that your values are different from the person next to you. and as much as anyone would love for you to be exactly what they want you to be, you're never really going to be that person. and when you love someone, you understand that, so you're able to accept those parts that aren't exactly the parts you might have wanted there. because that's love. i was talking to hilary the other day, and she was talking about how the only standards she holds other people to are their own. such a simple statement, but so, so beautiful. why would you expect other people to adhere to your moral guidelines? that just doesn't make sense. of course you feel like they're wrong. they're violating your rules. but the thing is, your rules aren't their rules. and they're feeling just fine. maybe even happy. and it's up to you to say, ok, i can accept that. i think sometimes it's hard to understand that it's not some sort of personal attack. if you and i disagree, and i decide to do what i believe is best for me (which you do not believe is best for me), it's not some sort of personal attack on you. i love a lot of people. but i have different values from every single one of them. and i accept that and i accept them and sometimes it's frustrating to feel like they don't accept you. don't feel like i'm talking to you, because i'm not. i'm just saying. the world is very big and my little space is very small and there's a lot in between here and there.

i'm starting to own things. like ideas. and feelings. starting to understand what's mine. goals. dreams. emotions. beginning to realize i create these things out of what my life has given me thus far. decisions. tears. words. learning to figure things out. my future. an empty page. the open road.

i *will* be a pastry chef someday, mark my words. but i need to get my law degree and a job and help people and have a legitimate career before i'll have the time and resources to become a pastry chef. angie and lyn suggested cooking gourmet meals for homeless shelters. that would be absolutely lovely. it's funny, the way i think about money. it's not so much that i want it so i can have things. it hasn't been about things for quite a while. yes, i know that i have a lot of things. i also know that i don't need them all. no, it isn't about things. i want to have money so i can have the freedom and leisure time that having money affords you. not so i can have a skihouse in aspen. so i can go places where people are hungry and do something to help. so i can go places where people don't have homes and do something to help. so i can go places where children don't have families and do something to help. i know all of this is right here. and i'm trying to help as much as i can now. but sometimes i just sit and imagine what i could do with enough time and money, and it's just mind-boggling. that's when i start getting upset about the people that control the most money in this country.

elliott smith is great music to listen to all of the time.

even if you don't like weezer, butterfly is such a pretty song.

in spanish, butterflies are las mariposas.

mariposa is a pretty word. to me, it sounds like a butterfly.

sometimes in the middle of the night i wake up and i'm not entirely sure if i'm bound by the law of gravity, just for a second. my sheets and blankets are tucked in tight around me and i'm sure that it's only them that are pinning me to my bed. i feel weightless inside myself, and sometimes i loosen the sheets, just to see if i might float out of bed, up to the ceiling. and i don't. and i go back to sleep. and i wonder if maybe next time i will.

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