this is where we look for things
1.11.01 - 8:10:39
it's like, sometimes you know exactly what's in your head and you don't want to land on it so instead, you stir it all up and when you realize that there is not even one thing that you can focus on, it's ok because if you stop to focus everything falls into place. and we wouldn't want that now.
sometimes when i get upset i make this pact with myself where i'm not going to be upset because i am going to view everything objectively. you know what? you can't do that with your life. especially when things are going crazy in your head. because sometimes there's just tears and then there are more and more and maybe some pounding inside your head and a little shaking and some sweat, maybe, and you're thinking, but the law guy said i could probably get into harvard and stanford and my new jeans look so cute and i've got all these people who love me and i should be happy i should be happy i should be happy, but you know what, there's still tears on your face and you're still hot and sweaty and then cold and sweaty and then just shaking all over because you can't unthink the things you think especially when you're not even sure what those things are. i'm not sure what those things are. i'm trying to write about it now when i'm not in that place, and it's impossible. not that i want to be in that place to give a more accurate description. i hate that place. but it's impossible to imagine how bad it can get when it's not actually that way. just like it's impossible to imagine anything better when i'm there.
