1.11.01 - 1:11:52

'oh, get me away from here, i'm dying, play me a song to set me free, nobody writes them like they used to so it might as well be me...'

belle and sebastian is so lovely. we were talking about it in the car the other day. kinda like chris isaak. or someone else who we came up with but now i can't. but like, the music is so peaceful and happy-like. so even if you put them on because you want to feel pity for yourself and like, identify with the lyrics and shit, in the end, the music makes you happier than you were before you listened to it. good stuff. the music in sleep the clock around is just so....yeah. you gotta listen to it.

i'm frustrated right now. i'm not sure quite what about. but frustrated. and maybe not feeling so hot. i spend a lot of my time thinking and not writing it down anymore because i'm scared. not because i'm scared to write it down but because i'm scared that you're going to read it and believe me or not believe me or i don't really know what. there are things i know and then there are things that i do know and then there are things that are in between and i just need to figure them out.

other people have a very hard time understanding how you can have issues if you're a spoiled brat who happens to be relatively intelligent and not bad-looking. things aren't always the way they seem, you know. and even though that's just a stupid little pithy phrase, it's true. money can't buy you happiness, but there are a lot of other things that won't get you there either.

by my side. ben harper. that makes me feel better about things, too. the thing that's annoying, though, is that my computer is running out of memory and is having problems multitasking. so i open up too many windows or try to do to many things and my music starts skipping and stuttering and it just really sucks. well, that and the fact that i can't find my watch. it's not lost. it's just misplaced. but it doesn't make it any better. i need to get a cd-r drive. a cd drive at all would be an improvement at this point in time. i can't believe it's been sitting here broken for like, a year now. hmph. not the only thing, i guess.

i just lit some incense and it smells good but the way the vent draws all the smoke over in one direction is really bothering me right now.

the problem is really knowing too much. because as long as you don't know, it's possible that things might be how you want them. example: the other day i looked in my bag and my wallet wasn't there. it wasn't in the car. i thought, hmmm, was it in my pants? no, it wasn't. we went out to eat. i got back. i thought about it. oh yeah, we went to the grocery store and i put it in the pocket in my little black jacket. we get back from dinner. i start walking towards my closet and turn and sit on the floor instead. i'm still a little antsy about the wallet. melissa and lyn are saying, go ahead and look. but see, as soon as i realized that it was probably in the jacket, things were ok. but if i was to look, then it would either be there or not. and if it wasn't there, it wasn't like i could imagine that it might be there, you know? so i sat there on the floor for quite a while. because i wanted to know, but i wanted to know what i WANTED to know, which isn't necessarily always how the truth turns out. so when things are ambiguous it's just safer. safety and security, safety and security. maybe i need a volvo.

a long time ago, i sat down and thought about the things i know and realized that i would always know them. and it's not that those things will ever change, it's just that you learn to deal with them. but then i started pretending like all of that went away and it's just not true. it's all right here in my lap and it never went anywhere. i'm just learning to handle it better as time passes. it doesn't mean it's easy. and it sure as hell doesn't mean that any of that disappeared. because i know it. and it is. just that simple. for me, anyway. i'm hoping you can understand just a little of what i'm trying to say. but the truth is that you will understand what you want to understand, because that's how it is for all of us. i wonder sometimes if any of us can ever know for sure what anyone else really means.

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