1.22.01 - 11:02:51

sometimes you don't even want time to pass, you want to sit with your eyes screwed shut and your fingers crossed in that moment forever. sometimes you hold your breath because you think you can make it stay that way. you would rather pass out than move on. sometimes. and as logical as you are, every once in a while you think if you can just wish it hard enough, things won't ever change and you can freeze yourself in this moment forever where you're safe and warm and happy. at the same time you're watching the clock and it won't stop, and you can't wish any harder, you just can't, and it's all so frustrating and all at once your eyes are open and you're breathing again and the ache of it is almost too much to handle.

then there are the other times. when you don't want to be in the now. not at all. but this time the clock's not moving and there are voices screaming inside your head and you think you're going crazy, for real, this time. you're trying to think of things to do, things to pass the time, but the problem is that there's nothing, you can't get out of here, you can't escape because time doesn't work the way you want it to. it doesn't have any rules. at least not any you can figure out.

sometimes it's very difficult for me to come to terms with things i can't control. i like to be in charge of things. i like to be the one who decides what happens and when. i like to call the shots. because that way there aren't any surprises. and that way i don't get hurt. yes, there are a lot of times i would trade a little excitement for a little security. a lot. but the things i can't control, these are the things that become what i can't understand and it just gets to be too much inside my head. too much stuff going on. but i can't turn it off. because maybe if i think about it hard enough i'll figure out some way to fix things so i CAN control them.

this is most frustrating when it has to do with things that should be in my control.

there aren't any easy answers. it's possible that you'll go through life wanting for nothing, but still never really feeling fulfilled. we run out of things we want and then we start to want things we can't name. you always feel like you should be doing something. there's never really a point where you feel like you can stop. and be content.

when i think 'content,' i think cows.

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