2.1.01 - 12:24:59

it's february. i told you so.

'ooh, that wasn't what i meant to say at all, from where i'm sitting, rain falling against the lonely tenement has set my mind to wander into the windows of my lovers, they never know unless i write, this is no declaration, i just thought i'd let you know goodbye, said the hero in the story, it is mightier than swords, i could kill you, sure, but i could only make you cry with these words, cry with these words....'

ok, you need to go buy two belle and sebastian albums. if you're feeling sinister. and the boy with the arab strap. feel free to supplement your collection as you see fit, i think all of their stuff is great. but we're talking essentials, here, guys. i mean, it's just lovely.

oh, and while you're at it, please, please, please get your hands on phish, 'farmhouse.' just that one song. you're doing yourself a huge favor, i promise.

so it seems that i'm sorta surrounded by people in crisis right now, and you know what's really weird about that? makes me feel a whole hell of a lot better. i mean, it hurts to know other people, people you care about are hurting, but it just puts everything in perspective for me. and it's so nice to feel like you're helping. see, that's why i have to do that for the rest of my life. because there's nothing else that's going to satisfy me. i'm glad i figured this out last year. it would have been terrible to get sucked into corporate america and figure this stuff out on my deathbed. this way the future becomes a positive thing.

the thing is, you have to see returns, you know. and even when i know that i'm in a place where i'm working towards getting to that place where i see results, it just gets hard sometimes. frustrating. you know how it is. but i feel like i'm really starting to deal with things better. i feel like i've come to terms with the fact that some things are just going to be unpleasant now and it's up to me how much i let that affect my daily life. and if i don't want to be sitting in my room crying myself to sleep every night, i don't have to be. and you know, if i have that choice, i'm not going to sit there and cry. because there have been a lot of nights when i didn't feel like i had that choice. yeah, maybe everything's not how i really want it to be right now, but there's really a limited number of things i have control over.

and i have control issues. comes with the territory, being a perfectionist and a "high-achiever" and you know, all of that textbook stuff. meticulous. but see, my room's sort of a mess right now. not a big terrible mess. some books. a little paper. a few clothes. but it's ok. i don't know that it's going to be ok for the rest of the week or tomorrow, or even later tonight. but it's ok for right now and sometimes that's just the most you can ask for.

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