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2.12.01 - 3:37:28

today i went to get my mail and glynda looked at me and said, you look very very skinny...are you ok? see, what's funny is that i think i've weighed the same amount since about september. why would glynda all of a sudden notice today?

up up up up up up is a really good ani difranco song. god's work isn't done by god, it's done by people.

the rothko chapel is a lovely place. i don't think it matters if you like rothko or not. it does bother me that people will go in, make one revolution around the octagon, and walk out, because your eyes really don't adjust to the light for at least 15 minutes. so you're thinking, hmm, all i see is a big purple canvas, but like, that's all you're going to see if you don't take the time for it to become something more. but that's besides the point. the thing about the rothko chapel is that it's absolutely silent. i don't think most people in this city can even remember what real silence sounds like. feels like. it's almost like a physical shock, once you step inside and sit on one of those benches. sometimes you can hear the guard flip a page in her magazine or her chair will squeak or something and you realize how things really are again. but it doesn't happen often. she's pretty close to silent. i wonder how that feels. your job is to preserve silence, pretty much. seems like it would be very lovely and calming for like, a day, and then i'd just want to scream and yell and wreak havoc.

you don't ever really know what you're made of. you can only guess, and your guesses are always going to be wrong, so i guess that's why people tell you that you should just roll with the punches. either that or your escape mechanisms just improve with the more stuff that you have to escape from. i guess it doesn't really matter, huh? sometimes i feel like life doesn't really teach you how to deal with things, it just teaches you how to become numb and retreat from the things that hurt. so you take fewer risks, maybe. invest less of yourself, maybe. quit caring so much. maybe.

these past few weeks i have definitely been realizing that no one can make you do anything you don't want to do. i mean, yeah, you have responsibilities and obligations and whatever, but no one can make you do that stuff. and half the time it doesn't really matter anyway. don't worry. not like i'm blowing off important things. it's just amazing how many things you do out of like, the goodness of your heart. things that you can sacrifice without suffering any consequences.

you know what? i don't even know what i'm saying anymore and i think i'm either going to take a nap or do some reading. everything's just moving too fast or too slowly and i don't really know where i'm at right now.

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