this is where we look for things
2.15.01 - 9:24:35
what day is it? thursday? my sense of time is all weird. angie and i just slept for like, two hours out in the living room and it went from light to dark and things are all mixed up in my head and yesterday felt like friday and then today felt like friday or saturday or thursday because i went to work but now it's just all confused, it's all messed up, it's all wrong.
the world exploded into love all around me, every time i take a look around me, i have to smile.
it's a good song. makes me think about american beauty. the day i wake up and the beauty all around me makes my heart feel like it's gonna explode, yeah, i'll let you guys know.
i hate the way winamp stutters when my computer's trying to do too much at once. i need to delete a big chunk of stuff and give it some more space to think. or something.
i've been having weird dreams. about cereal. about pie crusts. about therapy in farmhouse bathrooms. about summer in a house with five bedrooms facing the sea and the mountains and sleeping in the one room that faces the road. about growing old. about falling. about stepping out of my body. about making the music that's inside my head. about my fingers falling off my hands, one by one. about sitting for hours in one place without moving, without blinking, without doing. anything. about a kitten who never needs to eat. about waking up in a world where all the moments line up and everything is right, all at once. about that guy in office space who got hit by a truck.
i don't know. so turns out tomorrow's friday. it's not that i'm ignoring things. it's that i don't even think of them at all. because you get to a point where there's no point to anything really. you're living for other people, for tomorrow, for next weekmonthyearcitycountry, and it just feels old after a while. because it's been a long time since i've wanted to be in the here and now. sometimes i can't even remember how that feels.
it's not that i don't care about you. i'm just scared that if i let go of myself right now i won't know where to find me when i'm ready to come back.
