this is where we look for things
2.17.01 - 12:37:08
so you know what's interesting? we're up to about 168 pages double-spaced now. there's SO going to be a book at the end of the summer. i'm not promising anything as far as quality, but i am promising that something will take shape.
so i think the past few days/weeks have been placed just so, in order to teach me the meaning of the cliche 'when it rains, it pours.' this morning. phone call. melissa. guess where i'm calling from? i say hospital. what's funny is i'm thinking my other choice would have been jail. but i'm right. what's going on. oh, i'm here because i got really sick. oh, well, are you going to be ok? yeah, i've been here since thursday. they were pretty sure i had bacterial meningitis but now they're telling me that it's probably not that and it's probably viral meningitis. "...." yeah, that's all i could say for a couple of minutes. i'm sitting there hearing them talk about meningitis on the local news and trying to figure out if she's saying she was almost going to die or if she's saying she wasn't, but now she is, and i'm flipping out inside my head because all i'm thinking is well, she has to get better because she can't die. just can't. it's that simple.
i wish it were that simple for everyone.
so yes, viral meningitis is the less serious form but it's still going to take her a while to get better. i don't know what i would have done if...well, i'm just not going to think about it. that seems to be my best course of action these days.
widespread panic, 'ain't life grand.' yeah, it's a good, good song. and i'm not even all that crazy about jam bands. i just know good music.
no, seriously, i need a haircut.
so tomorrow's sunday. i slept all afternoon today. went running in memorial park around 2:30. drove to kroger to get groceries. forgot my wallet. got pissed off. drove home. picked up my jacket and realized i did have my wallet. got more pissed off. took a shower. took a nap. woke up at 7. yeah, i don't really know what that was all about. but i've taken three showers today. it's ridiculous. but necessary. like, i had to take a shower this morning to get clean from last night. even if i WAS just going to work an hour at a car wash. and then i went running. and i had to shower after that. and then i went and cleaned up a baseball game for two hours, which also definitely required a shower afterwards. but about halfway through all these showers i quit feeling clean and started feeling raw almost. i don't know.
sometimes i wonder, what is it about me? that midas touch that messes everything up. i could make a list and title it "people who no can longer stand to speak to me, not because they don't care about me, but because they care 'too much'" honestly, i don't get it. i guess it did take me twenty years to admit that i might actually be smart. i bet it will take me another twenty before i admit that i might be something special. but everyone's special, aren't they? i wonder if everyone's so special that they end up driving everyone away.
it's true though, that you don't ever really know what you can handle, because i'm looking at myself, and things are just piling up, one on top of another, and part of feels like i can't breathe, and the other part of me is thinking, surely nothing else is going to fall on top of me right now...ok, nothing ELSE....ok, really, it's impossible that there could be MORE....but see, there is more, and now i'm just waiting because i feel like if i let my guard down it's just inviting more trouble.
so i'm fine, really. and the more i keep telling myself that, the more true it becomes. and i will be fine. and i'm going to honduras in two weeks. amazing. and then spring break is over and there's about a month and a half of school and then it's like, reality check. because i can see real life.
there are people who appear on the jerry springer show. not only that, there are people who choose to be part of the studio audience. it just makes me wonder, you know, how we all exist in the same universe, let alone the same planet. my theory is that half of us live in reality, and half of us don't. the sad thing is, the more aware you are of reality, the more you wish you weren't in this half. but it's just one of those things. some things you can believe in until you consider the alternative, and then it becomes impossible to go back to your old mode of thinking because it's just so painfully obvious that it's wrong. the way you wake up from a dream and it hits you and you wish you'd never opened your eyes but you did, and the reality of that dreamworld is gone forever.
or maybe just until the next time you fall asleep. i guess it's just too bad you have to keep waking up, then.
