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3.26.01 - 11:49 p.m.

my room is clean. my bathroom is clean. my head is very, very messy. we're all dumb and jaded, right? yeah. sunny days.

i'm sorry you had a bad day, he said. i remember where i was that day. i was camping. i had a good day. but i'm sorry you had a bad day. you wrote about it real pretty, though. ha. so i did.

we have a turtle now. he is called scurvy bob. he's smart and stuff. oh god. my eyes are stinging. can't stop crying. for those of you who have been keeping track, i think the last time i cried like this was some time in january. i don't deal well with confrontations. it's hard to not think about things you don't want to think about when you're in a confrontation. look at me. now i'm sitting here crying because it makes my eyes feel better than when i stop and they dry out and sting and burn and hurt. so i guess i'll just sit in this chair and look at my spotless room and cry all night? shit.

swinburne will have to wait until tomorrow. not a big deal. he would probably wait in any case.

i hurt.

you would go, you know, if you had a friend who drove a taxi somewhere where the leaves turn in the fall. only thing is, you've gotta rake. well, not if you don't own anything that's gonna get leaves on it. yeah, that's true, i guess you have a point. a lot of places that have leaves that turn also have snow in the wintertime, meaning it gets pretty cold. i don't deal well with cold. i know. you can't have the leaves turning and your 70 degrees, except maybe some places in california because the whole state is something different, something imagined, a dream. with rolling power outages. whatever. you don't know what you can do without until they take it away. california's still there so 24 hour power is a convenience but it won't kill you. i dreamt that i would go to bed and wake up and in the morning i would find no milk because no one felt like buying milk over the weekend and then i woke up and i looked in the fridge and indeed, there was no milk, and i could run around telling everyone i'm a prophet. or not.

i went to the student center while i was on campus and got some milk.

in the room all i feel
is the cold that you left
through the air all i see
is your face full of blame
what's left to see
what's there to see
what's left to see


song for a blue guitar,
red house painters

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