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5.13.01 - 12:20

you can either say 'it's not open' or you can say 'it's closed.' it's all the same. except when it's not because i can hear the wind like it's in this room and i can feel the cars like i'm sleeping on the shoulder of that overpass and that breeze isn't coming from the air conditioning vent, it's coming from that window and it's closed, not open, but something different. not just that. i can feel things.

but that's how things are. when you tune stringed instruments you change the pitch by tightening or loosening the string. anyone with a basic understanding of physics can explain to you how lengthening or shortening the string changes the pitch. they can also probably calculate harmonics and all of that stuff that i forgot. there is a 2n involved. also a lambda. i believe. anyway. if you loosen it all the way it loses shape, right. because it's not a wire. it's a string. and then it's just dull and unresponsive and tired and dead. well, dead, but with the possibility of a resurrection. we can leave it at that. on the other hand if you tighten the string too much, obviously, it breaks, probably causing a loud snapping sound. if the string is especially heavy (the strings on a double bass, for example) the snapping can sound something like a bass drum or a cannon. basically loud. it snaps and flies in unexpected directions and i suppose it's not really dead, it's just reborn as two different strings of two new lengths and two new pitches, but without anywhere to go. they don't fit in the right box so we say they are only pieces of a broken whole. it's not that we're right about everything.

oh. there will be six billion people in the world soon, right. unless i'm behind on my world census and we're up there already but i feel like someone would have informed me. i have no idea who would do that, but it seems like somebody would. i can see 6 billion people spread out across the earth like bugs on a carpet, filling up all the space and we're saying, how do we feed these people, how do we house these people, how do we support 6 billion people, we can't build houses when there's only enough land for each person to have three square feet, and oh god, you're freaking out, shit, what do we do, what can we do, what will we do, and then look. there's not enough air for everyone to breathe and we start dropping, one after another, and then you wake up and there are more plants and maybe trees and you say, well, problem solved.

there isn't anything you can say to fix it sometimes. look at the tree, she said, oh, look at that tree and take deep breaths. because they're not all looking at you, but they might any second now. look at the tree and breathe, and who cares, it's just a tree, not even a special tree, and what's all this about breathing, and we aren't being watched, we aren't even being seen. it's not about these things but sometimes it's difficult to know just what it is about because you're standing in one place, afraid to move your feet, looking at a tree, trying to breathe.

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