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6.18.01 - 4:17

the color is somewhere between coffee and almonds but in ribbons, intertwining, mixing, new shades, uneven, waves of color that taste sweet and something else, no, not bittersweet, you want me to say bittersweet, but that's not it.

i said he said and she said and she said and he said until i said everything that i wanted to say and he said he didn't like it. he said cut it out, all this he said, she said, and i said no. because after all, it's how it was said. and it's how i will say it. who really cares, anyway.

the thing that is not loneliness and not fear, what is it, maybe just a feeling of having a body that is too small for the world around it, too small for the world inside of it. and then the other feeling when all of your organs clench inside your skin and the blood shrinks inside the veins and arteries, drawing the heat in, leaving the skin cold, and then the second passes and it's over but the memory of it is fresh and the skin is still cold.

susurrar. can you hear the way the word means whisper? of course you can. some things are just the tiniest bit magical.

the thing to worry about in the morning when your feet are cold is not the immediacy of the discomfort, the chill, the tiny goosebumps racing up your legs. no. because that's now. the thing to worry about is the sun setting and shadows on your back and now the goosebumps crawling up your spine and taking you hostage. maybe slap at your cheeks a little bit to get the blood moving. maybe do a jumping jack or two. what the hell.

do you remember when i told you i would make you something beautiful one day? i think i lost you somewhere along the way and now i'm having a little bit of trouble with it all. but. i'm making something beautiful for you. it just takes time. like all beautiful things do.

i am working on the plans, or maybe more simply, the plan, the one where we end up surfing and shopping for high heels 75% of the week and i don't know, paint our nails and get facials on our off days. ha. i suppose somewhere in the middle of this we will also make the world a better place, but the feeling of smallness isn't really very inspiring. i'm this tiny, you told me, so very small. too small to hear, i couldn't listen, i couldn't feel you, but i sensed you, and then i reached down and pinched and squashed and twisted so i wouldn't have to sense you. because this isn't the circus or some kind of 12 step program or even a soap opera. you just got confused, see, and now you're suffering for it. or maybe not suffering because the pinching and squashing and twisting is already in the past.

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