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6.27.01 - 10:14

'I remember me.
All the little things that make up a memory,
She said she loved to watch me sleep.
Like she said, it's the breathing,
it's the breathing in and out and in and out.'

you run through life without enough air in your lungs to take you from breath to breath and you're dropping parts and pieces all over the place. oh god. just look, will you? you're losing yourself on the train and in the office and on the street and in the parking lot of that building with the big sunny mural painted on it, what is that building, anyway? one of those things you want to know but not enough to know it. today they will paint the door. you've forgotten what you tried so hard to remember and all you can remember is what you want to forget but don't look so forlorn now, it happens to everyone. really. is that supposed to make you feel better? i don't know. now you belong to the masses. that kind of thing. a little thing. all the little things that make up a memory. and now if you will look up and, at the same time, slow your hand across the page, we might get somewhere. maybe. no, you don't have to check up on me. well...you might want to check up on me. if you ever want it to get done, anyway. but sometimes when we're sitting on the carpet with our legs all stripy from the sunlight through the blinds i get the feeling that you would give it to someone else if you really wanted it done. if you wanted something more than this, sitting, scooting over and over and over all afternoon until it's too far gone for us to reach. and in the night we bring out fevers and dreams and big scary things with soft voices. lovely voices. there are also other things we add to this collection, photographs and coffee beans, a fat red marker and a jackknife. quit being so pretentious, you say, as if we know any other way to be, as if we could stop this without something like sean gullette's drill. oh, did i ruin that for you? ever so sorry. whatever. you make me sick. no, no -- don't apologize. i shouldn't be so quick to judge, but you...oh, you, practice losing farther, losing faster, and maybe one day we'll end up somewhere we can see the stars at night.

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