7.12.01 - 11:20

sometimes it's so hard to believe there's any reason for doing anything at all. we move one way and turn around and go the other direction and dammit, i can't turn this up any louder with the remote control and i need to get out of this box before it gets too small to hold me. thank god for the contact solution. you can't imagine feeling this way. i really doubt it.

i guess if i had to lay down some percentages i'd put it this way. i'd say there's about a 10% (and i think that's high) that things get better and i live and die pretty much like everyone else. a 10% chance i lose it and go completely nuts. and then what's in between? nights like this and days like tomorrow, i guess.

i hate it. everything is such a stupid cliche and we're here in the year 2001 and i'm too tired to be new and everything's too tired to be new and originality is just an imitation of something that's too old to remember. i was born in the wrong time but i'm not quite sure what the right time might have been. or if there ever was one. i walk around i feel the world around me like a shirt that shrunk in the wash. whatever.

and can we have one serious conversation maybe? just one? one without the double entendres and the sarcasm and the jokes and all of this humor that's just there to hide the fear and the pain and all of that. shit. i can't handle this. you don't even know.

and this is like the time i sat out with the five disc changer and my ear to the ground listening for people at the door.

yeah, my shoes are all over the floor. i have thought about cutting up my feet and leaving part of myself inside them but i guess it would be better just to pick them up and put them in my room, right. it's not just the things that are so unnecessary, it's parts of yourself. the shoes are expendable and we all know that, but shit, i don't need toes. who does. i can't think of one time in my life where i've thought, oh, thank god for toes. and why stop there? we're walking excess.

see, if i were an ant i'd be a walking talking ant and we'd have drive-in movie theaters and bowling alleys and supermarkets and high schools. you don't even know. and we'd live and listen, we'd walk around with one ear to the ground listening for footsteps but you don't need to put your ear to the ground when you're so small. just walk around and it sounds like thunder and thunder sounds like the world's about to end and i'm not sure what the apocalypse sounds like but it's louder than the thunder.

remember when you didn't know the words so you made them all ave maria. oh, pinky waffle-head, you said, it's true cause it's funny.

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