this is where we look for things
7.20.01 - 3:46
my brother was born in 1971 and so was blue and i love them both and they are both fabulous. i have never thought about them in the same breath before but i suppose it's because i was never really sure about her but now i am. thank god for the internet, right. whatever.
ha, you didn't think i'd ever see you hula in cowboy boots. yes i'd put money on it, hell.
it isn't that i'm claustrophobic exactly but there are most definitely small spaces that i am not fond of being inside. it's not even...ugh. i don't even know. it's sometimes just the threat of being pushed into a little box even though i can't see this box and it might never even materialize. it's the ghost figure of this space that i have to avoid at all costs and then i find myself like the other day talking to myself in three different voices about the pros and cons of u2.
see, sometimes i think i can handle this whole 'society' bit. and i'm not speaking of high society or low society or any specific sector of society, i am talking about people and communities in general. i don't know. sometimes i think i can handle it and sometimes i think i'm just not cut out for it at all and that's times like these maybe after weeks of buzzing around like a speed freak and then suddenly crashing and suddenly rebounding and shit, man, i wasn't cut out to be a goddamn yo-yo. i mean, this is what i'm thinking, right, like i don't have enough stretch in my bones.
is this the part where i turn around and see your fucking flowers and then i turn around again and mistake for a small child. i think it is. hello, hello. are you out there? can you take me as i am? ugh. leave me alone. probably when you've got so many words going through your head that don't belong to you shit gets crowded out.
i am an angry lion.
you try really really hard to be original and you end up being shunted off to some sort of fishing and recreation site or the category 'fight club,' which, granted, isn't a bad place to be. probably not where you were hoping you'd end up though.
can you feel the hot stinking nastiness of it all? can you understand why it gets so oppressive? i mean it's not difficult and so i think my actions will start moving farther and farther towards the contrary, and i don't mean contrary to what i want or contrary to what you want or contrary to what anybody needs just contrary, contrary to what you're expecting. maybe. if that's really what it is. it's mostly like getting ready for a long, long race but not knowing, not having any clue when that gun's gonna go off. you just have to be ready to run. always.
god. quit your yammering. i'm not interested, she's not interested, really none of us are interested, and this i can promise you. she taught you how to count spaces, she would count spaces when you wrote, they had four names and you loved your boss (sorta) and now you're glad she did because you're so careful now, but maybe you wouldn't do it over again. there. now we all know and you can shut the hell up.
