this is where we look for things
9.18.01 - 12:32
so today i came to the uni for absolutely no reason. how was i supposed to know that spanish lit doesn�t start until the 24th? ah well. it�s alright. i needed to use the comp lab anyway. tori�s coming to the uk in december, she says. maybe november. yay. you bet your life i�ll be there.
my eyes are stinging and i�ve been listening to poe�s i�m not a virgin anymore all morning but now i�ve switched to the get up kids out of reach and it feels good. everyone is so far away from me right now. i woke up this morning around 9 and looked out the window and felt all the distance come rushing into me. and then a bunch of prozac and vitamins and whatnot and some toast and jam and coffee and i�m on the bus and then it�s that thing, you know, when the song�s on repeat and there�s so much going through your head and there are people floating in the sky, no, they aren�t floating in the sky they�re on the top of a double-decker tour bus and steven�s in paris and teresa�s in sevilla and i suppose i�ll give her a call because she�s here and i�m here and i think that�s just what you do.
making lists in the middle of the night in my sleep. dangling our legs out the window midday and singing �tomorrow�from annie to the streets. wha? huh?? how long have i been sleeping?? you haven�t, you haven�t been sleeping at all. that�s why it�s funny. it�s true cause it�s funny, you said, but no one got it and they all told you that you were wrong but you weren�t wrong you were just different. remembering every day all the people you�ve forgotten and it�s almost creepy. you didn�t really think you�d left anyone behind and while it doesn�t much bother you right now it�s sometimes a little unsettling to think about all the baggage you pick up just walking through life, without even trying. there are other things that you can�t really differentiate between, the night breeze carrying the almost overpowering scent of the flowers they call la mujer de la noche, lady of the night, the river, the lights, the voices, the darkness, the feeling of it all at once against your bare shoulders.
even still, you have to understand that some things never change and there is still a large gaping emptiness, but it�s ok, because we are here for four or five months, ish, and we will fill the spaces with pictures and songs and words and laughter and it�ll be ok, perhaps not any more meaningful, but perhaps more beautiful, which means something, i think.
