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01.16.02 - 1:20

he told scarlett that she picked up happiness with two hands and threw it away. you're such a child, he said. he said that a lot. don't look at my fingers and the afternoon ends at 6 and we move on into twilight and evening, especially at this time of year. i suppose what i'm really saying is don't waste my time. i'm sorry i didn't make it last night. i mean, i tried.

he said it didn't matter how hard you tried, you'd always be on the outside here which is unfortunate when there's such a disproportional number of places you could go to be on the inside of things but this is all assuming that that's what you want to do and is it? do you want to be a part of something?

tomorrow's already wednesday. good lord, i don't know how time goes so fast. i had a nap today and a nap yesterday and both of them were like falling backwards, unexpectedly, into a vat of warm black ink and everything was velvet smooth and dark and complete and i was just there, floating in the middle of it all with the heaviest eyelids and a little ache behind my brain. when i woke up three hours had passed and i'd taken my socks off.

i talked in my sleep twice in the past month. i don't know what i said. i would like to know. i don't care about people enough. even when i know it and make a conscious effort to change my ways. i am still so very nervous about self-preservation. when things hurt so much just being still you can't just run around throwing them into motion. i'm not hurting right now. not any more than usual. not anything i can't handle.

you didn't want it and i knew all along that you never really knew how deep that river ran.

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