09.09.02 - 3:19

i'm waiting, waiting for an email that's going to explain everything to me. i am waiting and thinking of the quantity theory of insanity and the people who stop waiting, because what is waiting but wasted time. i am shaking a little bit i am hot one minute and cold the next. i am staving off an anxiety attack and taking deep breaths. i am sipping water slowly and listening to the copy machine whir beside me and watching all the people who come in and out but most of all i am waiting and i hate waiting and i want to stop. waiting. the most unfortunate part of all of this is the fact that i have no idea when the waiting is going to end. i have no ETA on the arrival of this email. i don't know whether to wait or start this thing blindly or what. and in the meantime i feel like i'm about to panic. since this panic seems to be a direct result of the waiting, i am leaning towards the other option, that is, starting blindly. and then i think, oh, but what if this email comes and all i've done is for naught and then i want to throw myself off the roof of this building because of all the time i've wasted. or i could waste that time waiting. and what are the odds? i mean, i'll probably find something helpful in the time i spend doing rather than waiting. and even if only half of my time is spent in a worthwhile way, i mean, fine. because half of nothing is still nothing and that's what i'll have as long as i continue to sit here. waiting. sometimes i think the little power indicator on my laptop has something to do with me. charging. refreshing. almost empty. low batteries. online. discharging. i wish i could find an ac adaptor i could plug myself into.

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