09.16.02 - 9:52

it's ok. i'm not upset. it will get done but right now i am too blank and tired. too blank. i don't remember how to focus the way i used to. so sharp. so dull.

i listen to it over and over again and my the fourth or fifth listen the petals are drooping the jar is empty the sink is full. i'm not sure what's happening. the book is over and you're gone but you weren't ever here. how did it get so late. how did it get so dark. i just wanted you to get me through the night but now it's morning and too late and you've lost me anyway.

nothing new nothing new nothing new and all the pretty words go with all the pretty horses, all the white horses and i can't go where they go. i saw you in the blue sky the white sun. you were looking the other way and i didn't want you to know i was looking. you didn't see me. you never did. just an old song on the radio someone put on a long time ago going out over the ocean, over and over the ocean. carry me over the ocean. over the ocean. over the ocean. over the ocean.

i can't remember how i started. i can't remember where the wrong turns were or when we took them or why. i can't remember how we got here. i've forgotten all the important things and i miss the way things were. some things.

you always know what i'm saying even when the words coming out of my mouth are exactly the opposite of what i mean. you know what i'm saying now when i can't make my lips shape the sounds. when i can't find the air to push out the syllables. i'm not sure what i'm saying right now. you don't always know. nothing is always.

chocolate in the dark with cheap red wine. cheese and olives and a quiet violin. oceans between us and the sun warm on my back. orange trees and cathedrals and blue skies and the ocean, a different one. day for you. night for me.

i am always different when i wake up in the morning. i can't tell you what changes. i can't tell you what's lost. i can't tell you what's new. i can't tell you anything at all that would make all of this any easier.

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