02.20.03 - 8:14

i'm in a place where all the colors are brighter but all the edges are blurred. where every sound is music and the ground is soft. where children aren't children, but miniature adults, which may seem like the same thing, but it's very different. trust me. sometimes i'm in a place where the darkness is just as comfortable as the sunshine.

and other times i'm here, where it doesn't really matter how nice everyone is and how well i eat and how much i sleep. it doesn't matter that i find pretty things in my mailbox. it doesn't matter that i find money when i do my laundry. it doesn't matter that my hair looks nice and it doesn't matter that i'm thin enough and it doesn't matter that the jeans look good. it doesn't matter that the sun's so bright it looks like it's going to explode or that it's so warm on my shoulders that it feels like summer in february. it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. i'm listening to my favorite song over and over again. i'm talking to my therapist. i'm taking my vitamins. i'm getting ten hours of sleep and eating three meals a day with all the food groups and five servings of fruit. i look alright. i look together. i look with it.

i remember running into you outside with the sun beating down on us and the people scurrying around like rats. we stopped and talked and you're always so quiet that it makes me smile. and you asked me all these question that i couldn't really answer and then you asked me why i never seemed bummed about school and that made me laugh out loud because i'm always bummed about so many other things.

i look okay, i guess. i'm trying. but sometimes i just feel like i'm a million broken pieces of someone who can't ever be fixed.

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