04.29.03 - 8:27

i don't know. the pretty things have all gone to bed and i'm so confused about everything. exam tomorrow. i cleaned my apartment. i vacuumed. i went over part of the carpet with a lint brush. sometimes the minutes stretch so long and sometimes they're gone before they happen.

it goes from bad to ok to bad to worse to worse to better to bad to ok but never to good. when they asked me the other day what it was like to feel like myself i told them i couldn't remember. because i can't.

the gym, the piano, the bike, the weights. the music. green vegetables. orange juice. milk and coffee and cereal. bananas. vitamins. pills, pills, pills. words.

in the end i feel like the only thing i do know is that it can't be this hard for everyone. it just can't be. you tell me it's going to get better. you tell me it can't go on like this forever. but what do you really know? i'm the one that's lived with this for years and now i can't remember what it felt like before it felt like this. it's not beautiful, it's not romantic, it's not inspiring. no one chooses this, i promise.

i feel the warmth rising in my cheeks, the flush of something like frustration or panic or fatigue. i can imagine the state i would be in if things around me weren't ok. so fine. let's all try to be grateful for the small things, like the way the man who owns the corner store always gives me a dollar when the change is really ninety five cents. like free strawberry smoothies at jamba juice. like the sun coming out from behind the clouds.

goddammit, i'm trying. i'm trying so hard.

previous - next