05.29.03 - 1:22

time is a funny thing, like liquid, like sand. i can count the hours all i want now because school is over and i am in between things and waiting, just waiting. i thought it would be ok, the waiting. i thought it would be nice not to have Things To Do. i guess it's nice sometimes. i just feel so volatile lately. i don't know how i'm going to feel from one moment to the next. i don't know if today's going to be good or bad. fuck that, i don't know if this hour (minute, second) is going to be good or bad. i'm falling apart and there's no time to pick up the pieces so i leave them behind, i'll come back for them later. later.

today i forgot my muni pass on the way to the shrink's and i didn't notice until i got on the bus. i was holding up the line and the bus driver waved me in impatiently. so i sat down in one of the seats that must be vacated for seniors and disabled persons, digging through scraps of paper stuck in the middle of my checkbook (my wallet was stolen and i don't have a new one yet), trying to dig up that damn muni pass. and then i remembered built to spill and not wanting to take a bag so you take your id and your atm card and a twenty and your muni pass and your ticket, whatever you're going to need, you take it and put a rubber band around it all and put it in your pocket. and then the next day you go to the shrink's except you left all the rubber-banded stuff at home on the desk. you can see it. dammit. he didn't look back at me or ask any questions. when i got off at van ness, i told him thanks and that i was sorry but i'd left my pass at home. no problem, he says, forget about it. so i did. except i had to get on another bus and i didn't want to but i didn't have the time to walk. so i finally got on and made this helpless motion with my hands (it's like they weren't a part of me) and told this new driver about my muni pass and he didn't care either and said so with a smile. so i sat and got off at post and everything was fine. i walked home though, because it was a nice day and because i didn't want to deal with the no muni pass, no dollar bill situation again. and i didn't want to break the twenty i had for such a useless purpose. the walk was nice and i listened to ok computer the whole way.

i think it's these small kindnesses that make life bearable. family and friends will always love and support you (the good kind, anyway) and, for better or for worse, it's easy to take that for granted. well, maybe that's a bit harsh. but you develop relationships with a set of expectations attached. you know they're going to be there for you and you know that you would do the same for them. but there are billions of people in the world and there are so many horrible things going on every day, everywhere, and i hate living in such an awful time, so much hate, so much ignorance. but these small kindnesses from people who don't owe you anything sometimes remind you that there's good in the world too.

i mean, it's really, really hard for me to make this matter right now. but i'm trying. i'm trying so hard. i'm not sure how long someone can really live feeling like this but when you have no other options i guess that's what you do. everyone says, you're young, you'll get better, you have plenty of time. but when? and how do you know it'll get better? how do you know what it feels like? the astrologer (remember him?) said everything would be better by my birthday last year. i mean, granted, i didn't pin my hopes to that, but damn, was he wrong or what. and now another birthday's approaching. a start and a finish. one year in a drawstring bag, strings pulled tight, one year an empty book, blank pages, waiting to be filled.

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