12.13.03 - 8:45

i am just a visitor here. i am just passing though. i am over you. i am over me. she told me that i've shut it off and i have to learn how to turn it back on if i'm going to get any better. she says we need to work on things when she means i need to work on things and i think that's nice. part of me wants to know what you've said about me and part of me couldn't care less. i'm losing farther, losing faster like she told me to, losing without trying. it's easier than you think, it's just as easy as she claimed it would be, maybe easier.

there are a lot of buzzwords, identity, absence, abandonment, loneliness, self-esteem, inferiority, fear. there are a lot of words to hide behind and a lot of words that don't make it better. i build them up like a dam, a bandage to stop the bleeding. if i let myself feel it would hurt so much right now so i put it on hold like i put it all on hold. i am on standby. i sing along to the radio when i'm all alone. i do the little things, eyeliner and mascara, powder and lipgloss. i fake my way through the day and sometimes it's enough.

it always starts simple; there's really no other way for things to begin. i block out the easy things, sadness, anger, fear. it progresses, now i can't feel hunger, now i can't feel pain. i wear too much clothing because i can't feel the cold and i eat on schedule because i know these are things to do. i would wear flipflops everyday, tank tops and jeans, impervious to the chill in the air if my head didn't know better. i would lie in bed for days without eating. i don't feel tired but i go to bed, sleep as if it were just another task in a too full day. the small pleasures come from music, from books. if i could open up to feeling good without having to open up to feeling bad i'd think about trying but it all seems too difficult right now.

i'm not sure how you get through the day with that smile never leaving your face. i don't know how you do it.

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