9.21.2000 - 6:11:17

yeah, ok, guys, this postmodern class is pretty depressing. like, seriously. so we watched the two movies blow-up and blow-out. both of them involve focusing in on some reproduction of reality (photographs in one, tape recordings in the other) in order to get at the "truth" of the "reality" (murders under strange circumstances in both). so we discussed this stuff in class today, and basically the conclusion of blow-up is that the search for truth is confusing and frustrating and you may never really know whether you have discovered truth or not. ok, that's a little disturbing. but the conclusion to blow-out is that when you DO discover the truth, you have no way to legitimize or prove it. so it doesn't even matter that you've stumbled upon it because no one will believe you anyway. if there are forces more powerful than you are creating their own version/representation of the truth, your version is meaningless. do you see how depressing that is? it doesn't matter what you do. it's not real. or maybe it is. but you can't prove it. and no one cares. and in the end, your reality dissolves amidst all these other realities and created realities (imaginary realities?) that you exist in context with. this is so disturbing. part of me wants to like, quit attending this class. but see, i can't, because i'm trapped in the first situation where i think i haven't really found the truth or the "answer," like, i'm going to keep going to this class and one day he's going to be like, ok, this is how it is. but that's not going to happen. postmodernity doesn't have a close. it's like, a puzzle, but not all the pieces are there. so you can't necessarily put together a whole, coherent picture of what this is. what you are. oh my god, who am i? what are the boundaries of my existence. postmodernism would claim that i exist only while i am occupying the position of "i," that is, when i am in conversation with someone. writing, maybe. but as soon as i give up the "i" position and someone else appropriates that for himself, i become "you." passive. we exist only in the context of conversation. and when we cease to speak, we disappear. but see, the other frightening thing is the modernist view of language. and the idea that language is an inadequate tool when it comes to expressing our ideas. we can never really say what we mean. so let's say i'm caught up in this postmodern view that like, i HAVE to keep talking or writing or conversing because otherwise i cease to exist. but let's say the "reality" is the modern one, and all of my words are essentially meaningless because i can never really say what i mean. so i realize that's like, the theoretical equivalent of a mixed metaphor, but dude, that's scary. there's so much scariness in here. i am finding it very hard to define 1) reality 2) truth 3) self 4) individuality 5) art. among other things, anyway. these are "the big questions."

in other news, our dsl is working. yay for that.

in other other news, i'm rather sleepy and i think i will take a nap before attacking mi tarea de la clase espanol.

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