10.27.00 - 12:52:12

this week has been so terrible. this whole week. i don't know why. but it's like this huge dark cloud descended on monday and hasn't lifted yet. and i'm screaming and screaming and screaming and the sound gets swallowed up into the emptiness and what do i get?

'your mouth moves, but i can't hear what you're saying...'

yes, but i am most definitely not comfortably numb. not yet. i go to see my new therapist on tuesday. i hope she's nice. she better be nice. i mean, i guess that's like a professional requirement. i hope she can relate to me. that's what i really mean. i don't have the energy to look around for three weeks while i'm feeling like this.

'a spoonful weighs a ton.'

les mis was not really all that inspiring last night. there was just one point where i really felt something. in the middle of 'on your own' when eponine sings 'a world that's full of happiness that i have never known....' and the last note just got bigger and bigger until it was filling up the whole theater. i closed my eyes and i could feel it settling around me and then the orchestra dropped out and it was eponine and her vibrato, lingering just a second more and then the emptiness was empty again, but not in the same way because you could feel where the sound had been. i don't know. it was powerful. and the end. not the finale, but the curtain call. curtain calls always get to me. it must feel so incredibly wonderful to know that all those people are clapping for you. for three hours you were part of something that people enjoyed. what a concept. how fulfilling. i want to be an artist. i really do.

'one chance, one shot, that's all anybody's got.'

ambient music at night is nice. i think i've mentioned this before. wow. i really have nothing to say right now. mark your calendar. i could sit here and whine about how terrible i feel but that accomplishes less than nothing.

i've seen it all is a lovely song from dancer in the dark. thom yorke and bjork. so i never realized that rhymed until just now. but yeah. you should check it out.

so i know what you're talking about, chris. about the words and making them lose meaning. i can still do that every now and again. not by saying them, but by writing them. my favorite one to work with is yonder. because that's just a funny word to begin with. yonder. yonder. yonder yonder yonder. yonderyonderyonderyonderyonderyonderyonderyonderyonder.

ok, well, i can't do it right now. you've jinxed me. but later, it'll work. or at least i hope it works.

laid in bed and read barthelme last night.

baked some snickerdoodles tonight.

the baking is really getting to be too much.

but what else can i do?

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