1.20.01 - 12:42:30

my room, i mean. well, among other things. sometimes i have these manic episodes where all i want to do is clean. we like these episodes because, well, things get cleaned. but right now i feel exactly the opposite. and in the end it just gets messy again. life is so full of shit that's just a waste of time. do you make your bed? why?

00:37-00:44 of rockell's 'in a dream (freestyle mix)' is really cool. so is the first lick of farmhouse. and the rest of that song, too. you can have 1600+ mp3s and 200 cds and still have nothing you want to listen to sometimes. like right now.

there's one class this semester that i'm going to have to do stressful work for this semester. my victorian poetry class. i mean, yeah, i like poetry and all, but 70 pages of tennyson just isn't right. if you don't believe me, try it. today felt like the longest day ever. i don't really know why. i wish i knew more things.

the thing is, all the stuff i know is worthless in the end because it doesn't really matter who wrote what book or what war was fought in what year or what equation describes a parabola, but this is the kind of stuff that i know. and i'm never going to know the things i want to know, the things about myself and it drives me crazy. and truth, what's the deal with truth? i don't even know. that's what i mean when i say i don't know anything that really matters. anything that really means anything.

my room is a mess. it's killing me. i might just have to go sit out in the living room and ignore this mess. i hate it. went to see jana today. sometimes there are things that you need to say out loud and things you need other people to hear but you don't even know what these things are. and you want to be taken seriously but you don't want people to overreact and you want there to be something that's really wrong, something you can see and touch and name because then there's a way to make it better. i'm scared of things that i can't name. and there are a lot of them around me recently. i have a feeling this is the kind of thing that doesn't go away. it's not even worth it to try to explain it to someone who doesn't feel this way because you can't explain it. and i just get frustrated and more frustrated and they just get frustrated and more frustrated and then maybe i just decide it's better to pretend like it never even happened, like it's not really here. did i used to believe that you create your own reality vis-a-vis what you choose to believe in? sounds like something i might have said in the past. sounds like something i would want to be true right now. but that gets back to the whole problem with truth because how do you believe in things that aren't true? and how do you tell if things are true? you can't. there's no test. so this is why i'm just going to stumble through life accomplishing all these stupid goals and marking time until what, i get my own recliner and start pulling social security and forget what my name is. it's hard and sometimes it doesn't look hard because everything's on autopilot and all the chips are falling where they should, but it's hard, ok, it's hard.

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