2.6.01 - 10:14:08

do you ever feel like you have to say something so badly that it's filling up your throat, scratching its way up the back of your mouth, but there's something that keeps it back there, something that won't let it come out? i don't understand. because there's always things i want to say that i still can't say. not even to myself. not out loud. not on paper. like it makes things real somehow. whatever. everything's just as real in my head and i'd probably feel a lot better if i could spit this stuff out. it's just...i don't know. it feels better to pretend it's gone. and it's ok for a while because you can create that reality, you know, at least temporarily....and then you're just sitting there and your mind explodes with everything you've been stuffing into the back and i don't know, there's just a lot of noise and a lot of motion and it's confusing and i don't understand. i think what's worse is that no one else does...no one else can. how are they supposed to figure it out if i don't know what the hell it is?

this only makes it worse, i know, because now you're sitting there wondering about what more i could possibly have to say, and now it's hurting you. don't ask me what it is. don't ask me because i don't know. and if i ever figure it out and decide someone else needs that knowledge, then i'll do the sharing. hell.

sometimes i'm sad and sometimes i'm angry and sometimes i don't really know what i'm feeling, but is it really so important to label everything? probably not. we do it because we're so afraid of being alone and how is anyone going to know what you're feeling unless you tell them? and you can't tell them without a name, right? ok, but fine, i'm not really all that scared about being alone. i'm fine. and i can feel these emotions without names and be ok with that. really. i just have to work on it a little bit more.

sometimes i'm scared to open my mouth because it feels like everything might just fall out, and once it gets started, i really doubt anything could stop me. it makes me think about the way kundera describes vertigo. like maybe it's not so much a fear of falling, but a fear of wanting to fall. an oversimplification, but applicable enough. then again, i think we're all afraid to want things in general. wanting something means you have to take a risk because there's always the possibility you won't get what you want. and risks are bad? apparently.

one of our vocab words in spanish today meant to take advantage of and we had to translate it (in spanish). everyone pretty much went for using another person to get what you want, but what about taking advantage of opportunities? taking advantage of something doesn't always have to have a negative connotation. i thought about saying something, but then i decided to leave my arm on my desk and my mouth shut. sometimes that's easier. besides, i know what i know, anyway. it's not so important to me that everyone else has to have access to it, too.

so i don't especially like silverchair, but 'miss you, love' has some good parts in it. i remember when they came out. it was so exciting. now everyone's 13 years old. lo que sea.

it's like the seagulls, you know. or like what hilary said the other day about blowing bubbles. you're two feet tall and they're the most beautiful amazing thing on earth because YOU are making them, these little floating rainbows, but you grow and all you can think is how soapy and sticky and messy things are going to get. sometimes i see things entirely in terms of 'potential mess.' it makes me want to go hibernate.

this is long enough. it's early. i'm going to bed. nothing really matters in dreamworlds.

previous - next