05.12.02 - 8:12

i was in houston for graduation. i wanted to bring back the lava lamp and the water column and the collage and the posters and all of the small things that i can't write my name on but there wasn't room for anything more than a faded blue blanket. there'll be time for it all, i know. i was in houston for graduation and bill cosby was there and i walked across the stage in my black getup and the funny hat and got my rolled up piece of sheepskin (yes, sheepskin) and then i shook some hands and hugged some people and walked off the stage and back to my seat and it was all over. how about that. and now i'm supposed to move out, leave houston, get a job, travel, but i've been doing all this for a year now and saturday really didn't change anything in my life.

i remember when we used to sit outside at night and the benches would be so full that we'd clamber up on top of the tables and sit with our legs crossed. we scratched and painted and burned our marks onto those tables and the sound and the words and the activity of it all was so intense that it would carry us to tomorrow. we'd walk outside and look at the charred places, the drips of wax clinging to the edges of the wood, those unintelligible scrawls of yellow paint. do you remember that one that said 'butterflies have thier mothers toes'? we thought it was so whimsical and perfect that we kept it with us, spelled wrong and everything even though we were always sticklers for the truth, especially in black and white like the terms of punctuation. i remember that.

it was always warm and dark with the promise of something in the air, carried by that river of conversation, always going, going, going. there wasn't anyone out there the other night and we sat and thought about the past and the future and everything seemed dreamlike and too real all at once. it's awfully hard to understand everything sometimes, the way time passes you by, the way you realize that things aren't ever going to be the same. we used to sit at those tables, but we were different then because we're different now. sometimes when i concentrate really hard i can almost feel the music of those nights. almost. you make those times happier than they actually were but it's ok, i know how easy it is to do that. it's ok, it's all ok.

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