7.3.01 - 7:09

sometimes it feels like the shaking is because of all this energy straining at the seams of my body, fighting to get out and battling against the skin.

sometimes it feels alive and busy and vital. and sometimes it feels cold and lonely. sometimes.

i've lost it. completely. i don't know where it went but it's gone. i mean, i suppose i do continue, picking up pieces as i stumble upon them,

etc, etc, etc. it wasn't supposed to be this way though. there is supposed to be some level of certainty. i can't function this way. you tell me i'm learning new things. fabulous. oh god it's so cold in here.

it isn't ever going to go away now, is it. you can understand these things, surely as i can understand them. picture a box and now your cursor a crosshair tipped with arrows, and now what. drag the baseline down, down, down. tomorrow we won't remember and everything will look the same, just a little bit colder and darker and damper. we won't notice. we will think it is "only us." only in our heads, we will say, but everything is that way, only in our heads. there isn't anything anywhere else. somewhere you start to disagree and you're trying to get out, trying to free yourself, but the pull is too strong, blackwhite, updown, northsouth. you can't stop it. i'm sorta freaking out, you say, sorta kinda. and i explain to you how there is

no sorta kinda in this realm, you are all or nothing. freak out, if you must, but get rid of this sorta kinda crap. here we freak out completely

and in every way, and if you're not here to play that game you might as well leave. i mean, honestly.

the waitresses. oh my god. dead or alive. mtv kills brain cells.

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